


Loving yourself

by ReaperWitch



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transdori Week 2020, sayo has issues, tsugumi is an angel, what if gender dysphoria had a voice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26579761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaperWitch/pseuds/ReaperWitch
Summary: Tsugumi confessed to Sayo. But Sayo has a secret.
Relationships: Hazawa Tsugumi/Hikawa Sayo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45
Collections: Transdori Week 2020





	Loving yourself

Sayo was nervous.

She was in her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and ready to leave. Her hands were shaking and sweaty, grabbing her phone with a force she didn't even notice she was doing. The anxiety was unbearable, but Sayo had to be brave. She _must_.

Tsugumi confessed to her, after all.

To her.

Sayo Hikawa.

The stern, frightful-looking guitarist with no sense of humor. The anti-social. The single-minded.

_The faker._

Sayo shaked her head as soon as that voice appeared in her head. No. Not now.

She clearly remembered when it happened. Tsugumi asked her if she was free on Sunday, and the teal-haired girl replied with a positive answer in less than five seconds. They went to the mall to look for clothes, ate cake and Sayo won a small dog plushie for her in the arcade. Her happy smile warmed Sayo's chest.

And, after she accompanied her home, Tsugumi confessed her feelings for her.

It took almost a minute for Sayo to react. They were just right in front of Tsugumi's door, and the brunette was standing right in front of her. Her face was bright red, and her small arms were hugging the dog plush. A lot of thoughts ran through Sayo's head at the moment, and she couldn't concentrate at all. But she wanted to say yes. She loved Tsugumi too, her feelings were clear after spending so much time together after the cooking class!

But, instead, her answer was:

"Sorry, could you give me some time to think about it?"

Tsugumi accepted it with a smile, but Sayo noticed a shadow of disappointment in her eyes. When she got home, she threw herself on the bed and started screaming in her pillow. Stupid. Stupid. Why did you do that?! Don't you love her, too?

_She wouldn't love you if she knew._

Sayo wanted to give her a proper reply. She wanted to do this right. But, before that, she had to tell her the truth. Her secret.

_So, you want to destroy your relationship with her?_

Days passed by, and they quickly turned into weeks. Their relationship was the same as always, like nothing happened at all. But Sayo felt bad. Really bad. She had to tell her the truth. She had to tell her the reason behind that answer.

_That you are a fake girl?_

No.

_You are. Look at you, look at the mirror. You don't look like a woman at all._

Stop.

_You hide yourself behind feminine manners and clothes, but you can't change what you are._

Stop it.

_She will hate you for that._

Enough.

Sayo shaked her head and closed her eyes, deafening that voice with all her might. She knew it was all in her head, it was herself telling those filthy lies. But she wouldn't let it win today. Not anymore.

Sayo stood up, determined. After making sure that Hina wasn't there to bother her with questions, she went out the door.

The park wasn't far from home, but she got there 45 minutes before the arranged time. While she waited, Sayo repeated her prepared speech mentally, changing things there and there every time. While she was sure that she would make herself clear, there was another fear that creeped up in her stomach. But it wasn’t new, it was a fear that had settled in since she realized how she felt about Tsugumi. The fear of her finding out she was trans.

Her reaction. Sometimes, an image popped in Sayo’s mind. Tsugumi, looking at her with a disgusted expression and backing up. Going away from her. _Disgusting_. She never saw that look on Tsugumi’s face… but, somehow, her mind fabricated it all on her own.

She hated how useless her imagination could be.

“Sayo-san!” a familiar voice called out to her, and she turned around.

Tsugumi was walking towards her, waving her hand and smiling. A bright, shining smile, like an angel’s. Sayo’s heartbeat went crazy, thumping inside her chest. The other girl was wearing a brown and blue dress, and she had a sunflower pin on her bangs. She was incredibly cute, and Sayo's mind went empty in a flash. 

"Sorry to keep you waiting!", Tsugumi said. 

Sayo smiled. "Do not worry. I got here a bit earlier than the time we agreed on. You got here just in time."

Tsugumi smiled back. How much did Sayo love that smile… 

After a couple of seconds in a comfortable silence, the brunette said:

“So… what did you want to talk about?” Tsugumi asked, looking right into her eyes.

Sayo sighed, trying to keep her thoughts in order. This was it. The time had come. After taking a deep breath, Sayo began talking:

"Tsugumi-san, weeks ago you confessed your feelings for me. While that made me happy, that… took me by surprise, and I couldn't give you a straight answer. I apologize for my behavior, and the fact that it took too… long to properly face you. That is why I called you here today. But before I give you my response, there's something you have to know about me. I… have a secret that not everyone knows.". Sayo tried to keep her voice firm and steady. "Tsugumi-san, I am…"

_Come on. Tell her._

"I am… t…"

_Tell her how much of a fake you are._

"I… I am…"

_Disgusting._

“T-Tsugumi-san, I…”

_Filthy._

“I am…”

_Faker._

Sayo felt something in her throat, and her voice wouldn’t come out. She tried to swallow, but it was in vane. Her mind fell into chaos, like in a fever dream. Anxiety ran through her veins, invading her body and making her shake in panic. She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate, but she wasn't able to. The voice continued to attack her, and she couldn't shake it off. She wanted to run away, she didn’t want Tsugumi to see her like this. She felt pathetic, a clown, a…

“Sayo-san” Tsugumi’s warm voice stopped her in her tracks. She felt her hand being held by two smaller ones, and Sayo forced herself to look up. The brunette had a worried expression on her face. “Take your time. I can wait until you’re ready.”

That hand. Those words. Something about them soothed Sayo. Her thoughts slowly became less messy, and the voice in her head stopped talking. It was as if the brunette's presence made every bad thought go away. She was still anxious, but it was bearable.

A sudden, encouraging word ran through her head. _You can do this. Tell her._

She gulped.

“You see… I am not… a normal girl. I am a girl, but I was… I was born as a boy”. She took a deep breath. "I am… transgender."

Sayo looked away, not daring to find Tsugumi’s eyes. She finally said it, there was no turning back now. That didn't go according to plan, but she didn't care. She said it.

"Sayo-san…", Tsugumi whispered. Oh no. That took her by surprise, didn't it? Sayo felt her anxiety slowly creeping up in her stomach. She was going to leave her, creeped out by her. "That's great, Sayo-san! I'm really glad you told me!"

Wait. What?

"I was afraid that it was going to be a bad thing, but now I'm relieved!". Sayo turned her head to look at her. Tsugumi was smiling. Legit smiling. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. "You said that not everyone knows about that… so I'm glad you trust me so much."

"B-but… you don't find it… weird?"

"Of course not! Who do you think I am?". Tsugumi pouted, and Sayo had to suppress the sudden thought of poking her cheeks. "You're a girl, and I would never think otherwise."

Sayo wanted to argue, to keep asking her if she was sure about that, but before she could do that Tsugumi's arms wrapped around her in a tight hug.

"It's fine, Sayo-san", Tsugumi whispered in her ear. "I don't care what you are. You are the Sayo I fell in love with. The cute, hard-working girl that always does her best. That's why I don't want you to feel bad about who you are. I want you to trust me. I want to help you feel more confident about yourself."

Something stirred inside Sayo's chest, but it wasn't a bad feeling. It was warm. It was relief. Relief of knowing that Tsugumi accepted her for who she was. That she still loved her, even though she wasn't a real girl.

_You are real. You were never fake to begin with._

Sayo's arms wrapped around Tsugumi's waist, tears dripping from her eyes and sobbing. Tsugumi smiled, and tenderly stroked her hair.

They stood there, not aware of their surroundings, as if the universe stopped everything for them. Sayo didn't want to let go of her embrace. Tsugumi was like a buoy she desperately held on to keep herself afloat, running away from the abyss that wanted to reclaim her. 

One day she would keep herself on the surface by herself. With Tsugumi's help, she knew she could learn to love herself.

And Tsugumi was more than glad to help her accomplish that.

**Author's Note:**

> This took too long for a short chapter, but I hope everyone enjoyed it!  
> It's the first fic I posted here, and I'm not used to write about characters that aren't my OCs, but I think I did a good job?  
> Anyways, peace out, I hope you have a wonderful Transdori Week.


End file.
